The latest TSA airport security policies are causing some very predictable reactions, but possibly the most overlooked and unexpected was the overwhelming influx of job applications received by the TSA just days after the new policies were announced.
TSA security personnel now have the authority to perform a full body massage on you, your child and your grandmother. Unlike a traditional massage, they spend most of their time in naughty areas and seem to take pleasure in it. Thanks a lot underwear bomber. What is behind curtain #2 if you haven’t been following Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s or for my older readers, Jane Fonda’s workout plan and a full boy pat down does not sound appealing. Well, it is a full body x-ray/playboy or playgirl photo shoot. But, of course, they will not be storing any of the images. And since social media is so unpopular and unused, I’m sure no TSA employees will be taking pictures of the images with their iPhones and posting them to twitter, facebook and most likely my space (I am assuming TSA employees are still all about my space).
With the holiday season upon us, the TSA is bolstering security teams across the country and a diverse range of applicants is ready and willing to fill these roles. Loners, sexual deviants, perverts and coach potatoes are eager to be put their years of experience to work. People are doing whatever they can to increase their chances of being given the authority by the TSA to legally molest travelers this holiday season.
We spoke to several applicants and here is what they had to say:
*Bill StrongHands said “Legalized sexual assault, you bet your ass I am submitting my resume. I’ll send them one every other day if that is what it takes. No one has more experience inappropriately and unnecessarily groping men and women of all ages as me. I’m a shoe in.”
*Linda LonelyHeart said “I haven’t had human contact in 2 decades. You have to start somewhere you know. And I am hoping to develop meaningful relationships while satisfying a basic human need. Do you think we can start each pat down with a hug?”
*Ricky JustReleasedFromPrison said “I got locked up for this shit 5 years ago. Turns out, it was a great resume builder. I can’t go within 2 miles of a school anymore but it was worth it! Finally, a career that fits my skill set.”
*John NoEducation said “If I only knew opportunities like this would exist earlier. I would have dropped out of school before high school and focused on inspecting nude photos full-time.”
The TSA’s phones have been ringing off the hook, their fax machine is jammed and the human resources department’s inbox is overflowing. Over zealous applicants have even started showing up at the TSA’s headquarters and showing off their pat down skills as TSA employees enter the building in an attempt to be noticed.
In response to the pat downs being administered outside of the TSA headquarters, the TSA released this statement, *“Our employees are being subjected to an unnecessary and unethical invasion of privacy. They are just trying to come and go without being violated by a complete stranger or having their body be put on display. Something needs to be done to put an end to this tyranny and it needs to be done quickly.”*
The TSA receives 1 baguette only because its misguided policy has probably prevented another underwear or bra attack:
The team at MonsieurBaguette.com wishes everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels.
*All quotes contained in this post are fictional and have been made up by MonsieurBaguette.com for the enjoyment of our readers.